Two boys were arguing
when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,
"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A snail walks into a bar
and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar
and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks
the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve
Submitted by Steve
A: Just look at that
young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Mother: "Did you
enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
A teenage girl had been
talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You
usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Little Johnny: Teacher,
can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Two goldfish in a bowl
talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Teacher: Why are you
late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Customer: Excuse me, but
I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
"Why do you take
baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
"You look very
funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
Teacher: Do you have
trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being
chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and
barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later
when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You
see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
Father: What did you do
today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Patient: Doctor, I think
that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan
A: Do you want to hear a
dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
There is a California
dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and
listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a
caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes
how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand
miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
Man said to God --- Why
did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
Why do we park our car
in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
by r.d.
If vegetarians eat
vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
A person who speaks two
languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A
person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell
Teacher: Tell me a
sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
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